Yankees 1, Rays 7 - September 13, 2008

I'm going to make an exception today by posting on an entirely non-musical subject: namely, my last game at Yankee Stadium. It's been a great run, but the listless, lifeless kind of play I saw today has me concerned for all of baseball, since the Yankees were the last magical thing about it. Derek Jeter had three hits, a couple of nifty defensive grabs and generally played as if it was the World Series. I could care less what people say about him; he's a class act and he loves this game. Many others on the team will go home like any other employee at a job, thankful for their salary but glad the day's over with. Sportswriters will recalculate their sabermetrics on Moose's effectiveness, bookies will cash out in favor of the Yanks not making the playoffs, Joe Schmoe will capitalize on his free agent status at season's end and where will I be, the loyal fan, who feels nothing but emptiness? In fact, I'm not going say anything else other than that pictures really do tell a thousand words. Despite erasing the scoreboard, this picture was taken of me after the game. Cheers to great memories. Cheers to my days as a Bleacher Creature. Cheers to those four World Series, and cheers to the joy that is true baseball -- a child's game, not a man's science.

The Mad Hatter All-Star Band

Out of ennui springs life; such was, my veritable friends, my resolve at work today, where I pondered many an egg hatchling of pink hues in my sheer and utterly perplexing boredom. Twinkies. Borges. Crying little children. Pure desideratum. I was the shadow of the waxwing slain by the false azure of the windowpane. So here's my All-Star band -- not whom I feel to be the greatest at each instrument, but who I believe would work together most splendidly to create the music I in very much particular would like to hear. Feel free to provide your own bands and suggestions. I figured the more instruments I included, the more cumbersome this would become. Less is more, more or less; moreover, why waste more for less, Baroness?

Jimi Hendrix - Lead Guitar
Robert Fripp - Rhythm Guitar, Mellotron, Soundscapes
Geddy Lee - Bass, Keyboards
Stewart Copeland - Drums, Cans, Barrels
Thom Yorke - Vocals, Piano, Macintosh Computer

And just in case you've been reading this blog and haven't figured out that I'm fucking crazy, here is what some of my All-Star band's studio chatter would sound like.

Stewart: You like that?
Geddy: Yeah, um...ok, so--
Jimi: I really dig that beat, that feel, like an earthy African beat, inside the soul of a person.
Geddy: There was something fresh...about the way it was played.
Thom: I fucking hate it.
Stewart: Why?
Thom: It was a bit nauseating.
Stewart: Nauseating? Look, do you know what happens when you make rock music to lions? They hate music, completely philistines, the lions are; and since they don't appreciate music, you've got to surround the cage with hunks of meat so they when they charge towards you they look more photogenetic. It's a thrill.
Jimi: It's more spiritual than anything. The lions. Like an electric church, you know? -- where everyone is asleep; there's so many sleeping people, these young cats, you know? They forget about the music.
Geddy: Robert? You here with us?
Robert: Good evening. (Pause). I thought this was King Crimson.
Stewart: I'm not Bill Bruford.
Jimi: Greg Lake is a groovy dude.
Robert: In a sense, having committed myself, I would substantially prefer the anechoic chamber over the reverberation chamber acoustic research lab, because for me, art is the capacity to experience one's innocence. Craft is how you get to that point; maturity in a musician is the point at which one is innocent at will, and in which the music is direct and reliable.
Thom: That's fucking awful. Like the other side of a black hole. I'm quite a precious person (slaps himself sideways in the face, jokingly).
Stewart: Well, what would you suggest?
Thom: I just beam it. I haven't a fucking clue. It's just there. Beam it.

Mad Hatter Music Top 50 Guitarists

1. Jimi Hendrix
2. Ritchie Blackmore (Deep Purple, Rainbow)
3. Tony Iommi (Black Sabbath)
4. David Gilmour (Pink Floyd)
5. Robert Fripp (King Crimson, solo)
6. Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen)
7. Jeff "Skunk" Baxter (Steely Dan, The Doobie Brothers)
8. Denny Dias (Steely Dan)
9. Ted Nugent (Amboy Dukes, solo)
10. Brian May (Queen)
11. Andy Summers (The Police)
12. Angus Young (AC/DC)
13. Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top)
14. Duane Allman (The Allman Brothers Band)
15. Allen Collins (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
16. Alvin Lee (Ten Years After)
17. Pete Townshend (The Who)
18. Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin)
19. Johnny Marr (The Smiths)
20. Rory Gallagher
21. Randy Rhoads (Ozzy Osbourne)
22. Toy Caldwell (The Marshall Tucker Band)
23. Hughie Thomasson (The Outlaws)
24. Jonny Greenwood (Radiohead)
25. Dickie Betts (The Allman Brothers Band)

26. Frank Zappa
27. David "The Edge" Evans (U2)
28. Keith Richards (The Rolling Stones)
29. Alex Skolnick (Testament)
30. Robbie Krieger (The Doors)
31. Mick Ronson (David Bowie)
32. Alex Lifeson (Rush)
33. Ron Asheton (The Stooges)
34. John McLaughlin (The Mahavishnu Orchestra)
35. Donald "Buck Dharma" Roeser (Blue Öyster Cult)
36. Dave Mustaine (Megadeth)
37. "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott (Pantera)
38. John Frusciante (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
39. Josh Homme (Kyuss, Queens Of The Stone Age)
40. Kirk Hammett (Metallica)
41. Slash (Guns 'N' Roses)
42. Jerry Cantrell (Alice In Chains)
43. Tony Bourge (Budgie)
44. Eddie Phillips (The Creation)
45. Robin Trower (Procol Harum, solo)
46. Tom Morello (Rage Against The Machine, Audioslave)
47. Jan Akkerman (Focus)
48. Johnny Winter
49. Dean Ween (Ween)
50. Kaki King

Based on guitar chops and skill, originality, influence, style, etc., these represent my top 50 guitarists. Therefore, while Pink Floyd is my all-time favorite band, it did not guarantee David Gilmour the top spot -- after all, this is purely guitar-work. Also, as this is not something quantitative, my order of ranking is purely subjective and obviously subject to change as my opinion dawdles. As an example, when I listen to Dimebag's solo/outro on "Floods"

I think he's the greatest guitarist ever, especially because it sounds like he's playing his own funeral song (rest in peace, brother). Then I hear "Voodoo Child" and think, uh, no. Noticeably absent on the list are Eric Clapton, John Lee Hooker, Steve Cropper and the like; and while I do not deny their unique history in music, they are not my cup of tea, especially with the kind of crumpets I prefer. As an added note, I fucking hate Eric Clapton. How's that for eloquence? Enjoy and comment all you like.